Trauma Bonding: What It Really Means (and What It Doesn’t)
“Trauma bonding” has become a buzzword online. TikTok, Instagram, and even TV shows throw it around to describe everything from unhealthy relationships to simple attraction. But while the term is gaining popularity, its true meaning often gets lost.
So let’s slow down, separate the myths from the reality, and talk about what trauma bonding really is.
What Trauma Bonding Actually Means
The term trauma bond was coined by Dr. Patrick Carnes to describe the intense, confusing attachment that can form between a victim and their abuser in cycles of abuse.
Here’s how it works:
Abuse (emotional, physical, psychological, or sexual) occurs.
The abuser then provides moments of affection, apology, or “love-bombing.”
The victim clings to those moments of kindness as proof that the abuser can be loving.
The cycle repeats, creating a powerful bond rooted in intermittent reinforcement—much like an addiction.
It’s not just “being attached” to someone who’s bad for you. It’s a survival response. The nervous system wires itself to cling to small moments of safety in an otherwise unsafe environment.
Common Signs of Trauma Bonding
Feeling unable to leave a harmful relationship, even when you know it’s toxic.
Justifying or minimizing abuse (“It’s not that bad” or “They’re only like this when they’re stressed”).
Intense longing for the abuser after moments of conflict.
Confusion between love and fear, closeness and control.
Believing you can “fix” or “save” the other person.
What Trauma Bonding Is Not
Because the term has gone viral, it’s often misused. Here’s what it isn’t:
It’s not just “liking someone toxic.”
It’s not having chemistry with the “wrong person.”
It’s not every hard or complicated relationship.
True trauma bonding happens in the context of abuse and control, not just incompatibility.
Why It’s So Hard to Break
Trauma bonds are powerful because they tap into primal survival systems. The push-pull cycle of fear and reward floods the brain with stress hormones followed by dopamine and oxytocin. It’s literally addictive. That’s why people stuck in these dynamics often hear “Why don’t you just leave?”—but the answer isn’t that simple.
Healing from Trauma Bonds
Education – Understanding the cycle helps reduce shame and self-blame.
Therapy – Working with a trauma-informed therapist can help unpack attachment wounds and nervous system responses.
Boundaries – Slowly building the ability to say no and separate from harmful dynamics.
Safe relationships – Surrounding yourself with people who are consistent, kind, and trustworthy.
Healing isn’t linear. It’s about slowly re-teaching your body and mind what real safety and love feel like.
Resources
Patrick Carnes, PhD – The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.): 1-800-799-7233 | thehotline.org
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-4673 | rainn.org
Pia Mellody – Facing Love Addiction (a resource on toxic relational cycles)
A Final Word
If you’ve ever found yourself bonded to someone who hurt you, it doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you adapted to survive. That survival pattern isn’t your forever story. With time, support, and compassion, you can break free from trauma bonds and build relationships rooted in safety, respect, and true intimacy.
